my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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