Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
