Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
