About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
