Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
