Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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