Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
