I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i drank out of a bidet.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
