i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
