Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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