I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
