eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
