Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
