when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
