i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
