If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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