had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
