I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize