hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I need moral support for this bender
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
