That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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