Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
