I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
