The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize