here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
