I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
