im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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