If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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