Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
stop calling my apartment porn island.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
