my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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