so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
