they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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