You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
