when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
