wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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