Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
