I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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