Im at strip club and am horny
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
