Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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