She said her name was "party"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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