She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
