Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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