mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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