um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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