Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
