I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
