If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
