meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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