the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
