They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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