I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
