Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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