I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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