I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
