He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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