If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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