i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
