Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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