I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
