so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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