nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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