Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he shaved USA in his pubs
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
