my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
