did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
