Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
