I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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